On Fear and Gut Feelings

The terror and liberation of self-trust

As a career coach, I have the great privilege of being with individuals through major life transitions. Often, I hear a thread in their stories: fear. The fear of disappointing others, of going out on a limb and failing, of abandoning the familiar (however miserable) and stepping into the unknown. These fears are persistent and terrible; they claw at our very identities. They are also normal.

Over time, I’ve learned that fear is present in basically every big decision. That’s all but unavoidable. But we always have a choice. Every time we reach a turning point, a big ol’ scary upheaval, a mess of fog, we can make a decision either because of or in spite of fear.

I knew when I was graduating from law school that I wasn’t going to practice law. It was a period of both vast freedom and uncertainty. I was confident in my decision but nervous to share the news with family, whom I worried would not understand. To my surprise, the reception was mostly positive. There hasn’t been a day that I’ve regretted choosing this path; and I think they’ve seen how happy I’ve been with my choice, too.

There is courage in changing your mind, changing your path, and being willing to disappoint others. These are the most important risks we’ll ever take.

Think of your gut as a lighthouse, a beacon towards your truest, most authentic self. My gut brought me to Seattle, where I snapped this photo.

Sometimes when we know what we need but are unwilling to accept it, we get stuck in the cycle of “information-seeking.” It sounds nice when we call it that. We’re making informed decisions. Waiting to see if someone will change. Giving time for a situation to grow on us, to stop draining the life from our souls. I suspect I’m not the only one who has over-stayed in an unaligned environment because of the desire for it to work out. It would be so wonderful and easy if it did. I’ll work harder to tamp down these needs I could probably do without, anyway. Other people must have a key to judgment that I don’t - maybe I should listen more or take more time or be more grateful.

Yikes.

Many of us are taught to do our thinking with our heads - logical, predictable, pleasing. There’s nothing wrong with head thinking. In fact, I’m quite proud of mine! Yet our ego, the part of our brain that tries desperately to keep us safe, is often on high alert for anything it can’t make sense of. Our body intelligence is much less wordy and much more somatic. When I made the decision to leave my job and my community, give away all my furniture, and set off alone to hike across Spain, I wondered if that was an absolutely wild decision. Logically, it was. But I also just knew it was right. When we ignore our gut feelings, our bodies find ways to tell us. Can you think of a time when you’ve ignored a need, pushed down a feeling, and your chest has been tight or your stomach clenched? Or maybe you’ve experienced more severe symptoms?

Your gut knows. It might pull you towards something that feels really scary. Usually, that’s stepping off the beaten path, gambling stability and familiarity, even risking what we see as love. But there’s always a quiet contentedness there, too - sometimes a glimmer of hope or excitement, maybe a curiosity. Your gut may not shed light on a whole other path; usually, it’s just the next right step, which is utterly terrifying. But at the same time, what sets those “in spite of” decisions apart from those “because of” decisions is where the motivation comes from. Is it aligned with your values? Is it pulling you closer to your most authentic self? Or is it tending to an old wound, patching up some peeling paint of identity, erecting a pleasing façade to placate passers-by?

Often, what we’re really waiting for is permission to trust that little voice. Then we can shake off the blame if it happens to be wrong. Or we wait for it to be easy. The thing is, staying in something unaligned is also hard - just a different kind. The slow kind, that sips at your soul until you’re left gasping for breath.

The decision to trust your gut, to choose yourself, is always liberating, yet we may still carry some guilt and shame that arises with going against felt expectations. Sometimes we worry, “What kind of person would I be if I did this?”

But what kind of person would you be if you didn’t?