Early morning hours always seem to be the holiest, for some reason. I think it’s the stillness of them. Like I get the world to myself in those wee hours - news from the crows, the brightening sky, and, if I am lucky - the lithe padding of a coyote or belly crawl of an ambling raccoon.
It’s my favorite kind of silence - imperfect and peppered with language from critters, yet undisturbed by urgency and getting places and the trifles of the day.
I feel most myself in these moments, too. At least, the calmest version of me. My hair is loose and chaotic around my face, and I’m wearing the softest and most decrepit clothes I own, wishing my cup of tea would stay the perfect temperature and that I’d write something inspired.
I search my brain for recent truths, feeling the simultaneous power of writing and imprisonment from stories that aren’t mine to tell (or perhaps they are because I’m a part of them, too, but it’s not the right time or the right way, or I’m protecting others from the sting of my own honesty).
It comes to me right before a crow balances on a powerline outside my window. A theme that’s been showing up in my life recently - acceptance of what you can’t fix or whom you can’t save.
According to the CliftonStrengths assessment (more on this in a future post), one of my top ten strengths is restorative, which basically means that I’m good at identifying and solving problems. People with high restorative themes may draw energy from fixing something that’s broken, whether it be a simple machine or a system; it may even manifest as contributing to the healing of a person. What’s challenging for people who are highly restorative (and for many of us, really) is identifying a problem, doing your best to contribute to a solution, and having the wisdom and humility to accept that a solution may not come from you, in the way that you want it to, or on your timeline.
I want to make a very clear distinction here. There are times when we absolutely have the power to affect our current situations. Often, what keeps us in a holding pattern is the fear of how we, or someone else, might feel if we were to pursue a certain option. Do not confuse “will not” with “cannot.” Many times, when we say we can’t do something, that’s not actually true. It’s that we refuse to conceive of the possibility because the consequences would feel too great, or we are afraid to face the emotional or other repercussions. Sometimes, we are unable to recognize that we can affect change because of learned helplessness - a phenomenon that can occur as a response to repetitive trauma. When for so long someone has been powerless in a situation, that can cause them to refuse to try or feel low motivation in an actual opportunity for change. This is why it can be helpful to have trusted confidants in our lives who can help us safely explore possibilities we may have even unconsciously ignored.
When we do have control, it is important to recognize this and make efforts towards change. (Not doing well in your classes? Go to your professors’ office hours. If that doesn’t work, join a study group. If that doesn’t work, look for a tutor, and so on… Or Not happy in a friendship or partnership? Have a difficult, honest conversation. If that doesn’t work, set some boundaries. If that doesn’t work, maybe it’s time to evaluate the value of the relationship in your life, etc.) Sometimes these efforts for change are easy. Sometimes they are really difficult. That doesn’t mean you don’t have power.
There are times, however, when we reach our limitations. This is often when we are dealing with systems change or the behavior of another person. Anyone who has worked in the bowels of government knows the slow trudge of bureaucracy. Change can take months, and often, years. This doesn’t mean our efforts are useless. (As we know, systems do change. From the outside, it can even look frighteningly quick!) What it does mean is that the wheels of time are beyond our control, that we may plant the seed without ever expecting to reap the harvest. Resistance to forces outside of our control - to reality - leads to suffering. In The Power of Now, Ekhart Tolle states, “Your first chance is to surrender each moment to the reality of that moment. Knowing that what is cannot be undone - because it already is - you say yes to what is or accept what isn’t. Then you do what you have to do, whatever the situation requires. If you abide in this state of acceptance, you create no more negativity, no more suffering, no more unhappiness.”1 The same is true in relating to others. We cannot control another person’s behavior, only our response to said behavior. We can deliver feedback, set and enforce boundaries, try appealing and reasoning, remove ourselves from situations; yet clinging to the desire for control of another’s actions will only increase suffering.
So where does that leave us? There’s certainly no hard line. Each person may have different situations, needs, and boundaries. But what we can all ask ourselves is this:
What have I been accepting that I do not need to accept? Maybe it’s a joke someone shares that makes you uncomfortable or a job that’s sucking the life out of you. We often have far more control that we realize. What’s one small action you could take to help you step into your power?
What have I been resisting that I cannot control? Maybe it’s struggling to admit that you need medical or mental health care, or help with your finances. Maybe it’s acknowledging that someone in your life can’t give you what you need. Ironically, when we accept what we cannot change, we open ourselves to deeper freedom and more possibility.
In a way, I think this writing is my own little attempt to help - to offer some hope or insight or empowerment to a pocket of the world. It’s usually something I need to hear for myself, too. However small, it’s an attempt to be brave, to help us all feel a little more seen, a little less alone.
p.s. This post does not address abusive relationships, a topic that goes beyond the scope and nuance of this short article. If you or someone you know are in need of help, contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline for confidential, 24/7 support.
Tolle, Eckhart. The Power of Now: A Guide to Spiritual Enlightenment. New World Library, 2004, pp. 220-21.
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