Romanticizing Writing and What I’m Really Thinking

Charting Themes from the Past Two Weeks

Many of you know that when I create a Substack post, I write what is top of mind for me that week. Usually, I start typing and let the theme find me. It’s been harder recently, partly because so many thoughts feel prevalent right now, and partly because I am frozen in a block of perfectionism. I want to nest in a coffee shop, observant yet focused, sipping a tea and typing with erudite efficiency. I want to look up and lock eyes with a handsome stranger who will ask what I’m writing. Somehow I will leave with a polished, incisive post.

It’s kind of sickly, this Hallmark romanticism of what it means to be a writer. It makes me shrink when I judge it. And yet, when I approach with self-compassion, a half-smile unfurls. I’d rather be my full self, a little bit silly, than be serious and “perfect” and prolific.

This week, I will try something new. I will organize my thoughts by theme, sharing snippets of my journaling and reflections from the past couple of weeks in an attempt to be as honest as possible. There are two reasons for this: 1) To see and to love myself fully, in all of my complexity; and 2) To invite you to do the same.

Even in their vulnerability, these reflections can range from the pedestrian to the fragile. I’d love to know which theme, if any, resonates with you. Maybe it’s just the experience of carrying lots of themes in your own head. If none connect, that’s ok, too! It is brave to rest in our own, unique experiences.

Insomnia, Self-Study, and Avoiding the News

2/1/25

When I wake up at 3am, my first thoughts are about injustice. I wish I could say, cheekily, that it’s the injustice of waking at this ungodly hour, but it wouldn’t be the truth. After, I think about a place that I like, and the people I’ve met there, one whose only presence in my life now is an imprint, and the other, someone with whom I will cautiously anticipate the joy of connection. A nascent sentence forms in my head. I think about how writing helps me clear my mind, and how thoughts are things that must be captured to be free.

2/8/25

The floor lamp in my living room has been slightly askew ever since I assembled it close to two years ago. Though mildly bothered by its tilt, I’ve largely accepted it. The exceptions are moments like this - insomniatic¹ nights, nestled in a den of throw pillows, limbs crossed tightly as I study the wayward parabolas of warm light above and below the lamp shade. I notice I’m biting the inside of my lip and wonder if I’m hungry, or just thinking.

Deciding it’s the latter, I shift to worrying about the loud whirring of my very old laptop, momentarily and ludicrously concerned that by typing this, I’ll somehow jinx it, and the whole machine will erupt in vindictive smoke.

Finally, I let my eyes close, feeling the fatigue in my temples, and the rest of my body still coiled tightly. I hope I can sleep soon, but I appreciate these moments of self-study - pockets of awareness where I will sense a worry and rock it into dormancy, or catch an amusing habit. I’m tired and itchy and a little tense. I like that I’m still learning about myself.

2/14/25

I think I’ve finally found a balance of staying informed in a healthy way. Rather than avoiding the news altogether, I have a few podcasts that I listen to on my commute, not first thing in the morning, not last thing at night. I removed Instagram from the home screen of my phone to prevent doom scrolling. I meditate in the morning and read for pleasure at night. It’s not perfect, but it’s better.

Inner Child

2/1/25

My heart is so full. A few friends put together an Inner Child Birthday Party to celebrate my half birthday this weekend. They put up streamers and created a multi-step, word scramble/clue-based puzzle to lead me to a taco piñata outside. Along the way, I got a plastic hard hat and animal tattoos. We painted our faces, played M.A.S.H., listened to throwback music, challenged each other to HORSE and freeze tag, and swung on swings. We ate nachos and corn dogs, animal crackers, gummy bears, and Oreos. One of the best “birthdays” I have ever had. What an incredible community I have here.

2/2/25

Every year on my birthday, when I would blow out the candles on my cake, I would close my eyes tight and wish for snow. I was born in August, and raised in Houston, so you can imagine how that went. I never told anyone what I wished for - because my mom told me, and I wholeheartedly believed - that if I told someone my wish, it wouldn’t come true.

This year it did.

The day of my inner child birthday party, I stood fixated at the living room window, watching flurries fall like powdered sugar. Too cold to stay out on the porch for long, I’d retreated inside, studying how the snow blew mostly north, and the one point where it danced in quixotic funnels. It took thirty-one and a half years, but damned if I didn’t get my wish.

Inner Child Half-Birthday Party

Body

2/14/25

Can one live without any hormones whatsoever? Asking for a friend.

Relationships and Empowerment

2/15/25

I was reflecting with a friend recently that I feel really empowered living the most authentic version of my life. We were discussing age and life choices and societal expectations. Sometimes I feel a little odd, not wanting the things it seems most people do. I don’t want kids, nor do I want to buy a house. I’m taking risks in my career. I’m single, and quite frankly, it’ll take a hell of a lot to change that. I am unwilling to sacrifice any of my full life. It feels both othering and true. I love this life, leaning into adventure and challenge and the unknown.

Time and Message Urgency

2/15/25

I’ve had the hardest time responding to messages lately, possibly because of how busy I’ve felt and all the thoughts I’ve been mulling over. My yoga therapist suggested a Pratipaksha Bhavana meditation, which is a holding of opposites - you practice holding two emotions at once; for example, gratitude at receiving messages from friends and guilt for not responding sooner. So far I’ve noticed that the positive emotion seems to win.

Special Note! It’s strange times out there, y’all. And many of us are looking for little ways to make a difference. For Black History Month, I will donate $1 for every new free subscriber, and $5 for every new paid subscriber to Black-led charitable organizations. Thanks for your support. <3

P.s. Given that I haven’t shared in two weeks, this post was longer than usual. If you made it to the end, thank you for reading!

1. While apparently this is the name of an Aly & AJ album, it’s unclear if this is actually a word. Realistically, it’s probably not. We’re going with it.